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The Garage Monster

The Garage Monster
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THE GARAGE MONSTER
By Lance Lambert

There is a frightening and sneaky monster lurking within our midst. Well, my midst anyway. Late at night this monster comes out of my midst and ends up in my garage. How do I know this for sure since I’m usually asleep late at night? The proof is in the mess it leaves behind!

Recently I spent an entire weekend figuring out how to replace the radiator cap on my Mustang. I used every appropriate tool that I own; carpenters hammer, several bent screw drivers, a T-square from my high school drafting class and a Renault socket set that fits nothing in this part of the world. I’m sure I remembered to put everything away in its appropriate place but that was not the case when I walked back into the garage the next morning. There were tools, bald tires, splitting boxes of old car magazines, food with hair, dirty rags too dirty to put in the washer and beer cans everywhere. I don’t even drink beer! Well, maybe just a few beers when the guys drop by or when I’m tinkering on the car or when I’m cleaning up the Mustang or anytime between 12:01 PM and 4:00 AM. Every horizontal surface was piled high with a mixture of 10% good stuff and 90% useless stuff that should have gone directly into the trash or the neighbor’s yard. I know that I couldn’t have made this mess so, therefore, there must be a monster living in my garage.

A plan was devised that would prove the garage monster theory; video camera surveillance! Producing television’s weekly “Vintage Vehicle Show” results in a garage overflowing with boxes of both broken car parts and broken TV production equipment. An ancient VHS camera was set up on an equally ancient tripod and in was dropped a long play tape that would provide six hours of mystery solving footage. I turned on the camera before climbing into bed and then drifted off to sleep knowing that the morning would reveal the monster at his or her or it’s dirty work. Not only would I solve the mystery but I’d also have footage to sell to some crappy reality show that makes about a thousand times more money than my show does. Well here’s where the plot thickens, the mystery grows and I slip yet deeper into the grips of frustration. Not only does the video tape reveal nothing but there is now junk video equipment strewn all around the garage. The dang garage monster waited until the tape ran out and then threw video junk all over the place. I know this because I’m sure that I put everything away that I didn’t need in this undercover surveillance scheme.

This is a very sneaky garage monster.

The garage is now messier than ever and I have an all weekend project coming up that will require a clutter free area and my now lost set of exotic tools. I need to replace the windshield wipers on Mrs. Lambert’s car and I’m sure it will require all my expertise and the hammer.

I wonder if the garage monster is available to help?